Friday, December 14, 2012

Life is Hard

I had a different kind of post planned today.  
A fluffy one about Christmas 
and baking 
and all that is light 
and cheery about this time of year...  
And then that other side of life hit today 
and just kept coming...

My thoughts and prayers are with the families in Connecticut.
I simply can't imagine.  
My heart breaks for those whose children were taken.  
I am eager to hug and hold my babies 
and perhaps not so eager to find out if my 9-year-old has already heard.  
No doubt we will all sleep together tonight.  
Since our house was broken into over a year ago, 
our talks about personal safety and what to do in various crisis scenarios 
has increased by a lot and the questions she asks have grown more serious.  
I limit the news intake severely when I am home 
so as to protect her from the unnecessary amount of dramatic 
and disturbing coverage these stories always generate.  
I find it horrifying how the media has been interviewing these children 
and hope it is not due to consent by their parents 
and that some of these reporters get sued for further traumatizing these babies.

I have also been reminded today how diligently I have worked to protect my children. 
Not only from the dangers of the world at large,
but also from the dangers that often are swept under the rug.  
As with many families, I have a side of the family that is very very dysfunctional.  
The sort of deep dysfunction that is carried from generation to generation 
and too often swept under the rug.  
When I became of an age that I was able to find my voice 
about right and wrong and take a stand, 
I did.  
I took very deliberate steps over the years 
to distance that dysfunction from my own life.  
I had things I wanted to do and be and no place for that life of crazy.  
Unfortunately, the pull of family blood is often strong.  
Guilt creeps in and, 
wanting to believe in the good in people, 
sometimes you give people more chances then they deserve.  
But when it comes to my children, 
there are no second chances.  
There is no room for tolerance and self-doubt.  
I have to do what is right for them 
because they are my greatest love 
and my greatest accomplishment.  
And so hard decisions are made 
and ultimatums are given 
and doors are closed.

And while today is hard, 
our tomorrow will be filled with Christmas trees 
and cookies 
and secret Christmas projects 
and searching for a special new ornament for each child to remember this year 
and many prayers of thanks to the Lord 
for each and every of these moments together.

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